sunken arguments in bourbon and red bull

while i was away that spring
roping in cod, and salting the things
her heart gave away again
from a lonely day's nitroglycerine

she meant a lot to me
she always meant a lot to me
it meant a lot to me
it always meant a lot to me

sailors of yore died to say
don't leave'r alone, dont let slack on the sails
but i weathered the winter and then
set sights to the wind, took her by the hands, and said

you mean a lot to me
you always meant a lot to me
but this means a lot to me
the work means a lot to me
this means a lot to me
it's always meant a lot to me

she was weak in her heart
searching for my soul, while i searched for my part
comb in my hair bent down
i looked in the mirror, ignored the sounds

i meant to say
what she meant to want
while she meant to love
what i always messed up

she lifted her countenance to me
stretched out her hand, and covered her dreams
with anger in a lovestruck tune
she put on her coat, and walked from the room

sunken eyes
regrets arise
memorise
storms in her eyes

she meant a lot to me (sunken eyes)
she always meant a lot to me
it meant a lot to me (regrets arise)
it always meant a lot to me
she meant a lot to me (memorise)
she always meant a lot to me
it meant a lot to me (storms in her eyes)
i wish it meant a lot to me

she'll never die shallow
she'll never die cold
they said its as warm as bourbon on the wharf
she'll never get callow
she'll never get old
she'll be floating above like hurricaned flowers

i'll never grow tired
i'll never grow drunk
sober and dull as as fish on the wharf
i'll never get wired
i'll never get sunk
i'll be floating below like the weatherman's buoys

saying
you'll mean a lot to me
you always meant a lot to me
you'll mean a lot to me
you've always meant a lot to me

are you insensitive too?

some people say nice things when someone starts to confide in them. other people don't know what to say, and rather than just shutting up, go on self-righteous, pre-programmed rants.

how is it that if its someone i barely know, i can be empathetic and caring, but if its someone i care about, i deliver a sermon? how can i expect her to trust me... when if she even starts to, i get weird and do something dumb? i never realized i was so dysfunctional. people talk about how you learn a lot from being in a relationship, but i always thought they meant cool, fun stuff. i think maybe they meant that you learn about yourself and how you need to change. its like all my faults are just out in the open all the time, instead of nicely tucked away where i dont notice them.

i feel so dumb talking into a white text field on a computer. this is supposed to be cathartic i guess, it feels more like i'm just going to embarrass myself.

oh well, i'm humiliated already, and i feel like i need more. hallelu to sadism. hallelu to masochism.

why is sufjan stevens sold out? sadness. woe. anguish.

edit: um. so after this extremely melodramatic posting, the wondrous naomi wilson found me (and herself) tickets!!! and there was much rejoicing as adam joined the crowds in raising the roof in raptured applause as sujfan took to the front-and-center of that old church in downtown toronto.

and yet, the last show at lee's was better.

past the statue of alexander graham bell

he waits by the screen, but she's not coming on
so he spreads his time on pathetic lesbian blogs
the microwave asks him for a drink
he gladly obliges while the television winks

maybe on e our love would be real
maybe with speed life's on hollywood reels
while sextacy won't fill what i crave
maybe another toxic combination'll save the day
let's love on the stairs

we're not coming down
we're not coming down
we're not coming down
we're not coming down

undress me like this, i feel guilty pangs
she mocks him with her eyes of frozen rain
the lights turning on, while the ghost tunes out
your father made me say i'd do without

he'll catch the train at nine
tomorrow she'll be fine
crying in the hall
she'll laugh it off inside

you're not the one i need
you're not the one i saw
you're not the thing i bleed for
you're not gone at all

you're here all the time
you're here all the time
you're here all the time
you're here all the time

we're not coming down
we're not coming down
we're not coming down
we're not coming down